Miss You Mom

It’s Mother’s Day. I’m a mom to a wonderful little girl. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. I never realized how being a mom would change me. I didn’t realize how much my Mom loved me until I had my own child. Now, I understand Mom, and why she did the things for me that she did. Now, I understand why she put up with all that I threw her way.

It’s Mother’s Day and I miss my Mom dearly. Her Name was Kwang, but her friends called her Jeanie. I was “Little Jeanie.” She died when she was 55. That was almost 16 years ago. She would have been 71 years old this year. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I try to remember her voice. I picture her smile. I recall the way she dressed. I think about her soft, dark hair. I remember how she loved wearing wigs when she was younger. And, I remember looking at them in her closet. As she grew older, she would dye her hair to cover up the gray. I must get that from her because I do the same. Don’t you love genetics? I also remember how she would clean like a mad woman when she was stressed. It’s funny how I’m the opposite in that respect.

It’s Mother’s Day, and I yearn for her touch, to hear her laugh, to taste her home-cooked meals. She was the first person who loved me, took care of me, put a roof over my head. My dad didn’t come back into my life until I was 4. He was in the military, and had to leave Korea, to return to the U.S. It was me and my Mom until he came for us. I was never close to him, but my Mom and I had an incredible bond. She was my Mother and my best friend. I was with her when she died. I sat next to her bed, watching her take her last breathe. I told her that she could go … That it was okay. I touched her arm … Then, I saw a vision of her: She smiled at me and danced. I don’t know what it was, but it was powerful. Maybe, it was my mind paying tricks on me. But, I try to picture her that way. Maybe, it was her way of saying I was going to be okay.

It’s Mother’s Day, and yes this day is bittersweet. But, I am a Mom. I love my daughter. She makes me smile. She makes me laugh, and sometimes she will see me cry. I talk to my daughter about her grandmother. I see my mom in her. My daughter loves life, and trying new things. She likes to laugh and to dance. My mother moved to America, – a new world in the ’70s. She wanted a new life, Her desire was to be a part of the American Dream. Like countless other women, she was a homemaker. She was brave… Braver than I could ever be. She fought pancreatic cancer for 5 years. If anyone knows anything about Pancreatic cancer, then, they know the mortality rate is extremely high. Most cancer patients don’t live past a year from diagnosis, especially since discovery of the cancer in its latter stages… When it was too late, I experienced a void in my heart that will never be filled again. I miss her more and more as the years continue, Milestones are especially hard to celebrate without Mama: Marriage, childbirth, life’s many changes, accomplishments, or just when I need a hug.

It’s Mother’s Day, and I honor Kwang aka Jeanie. Death is part of life. But, her time was too short. I am lucky to have had her in my life. Lucky that she was my Mom. I am also extremely fortunate to watch my daughter grow up. Every time she calls for me and says, “Mommy,” it melts my heart. Being a Mom is special. A title not everyone gets. Remember, I an not just honoring Moms. I am honoring the Motherless, Mothers and daughters who can’t be with their moms today. I know it’s hard for you to celebrate you and your Mom. Remember all the good times and it’s okay to cry. I remind myself that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed! So live every moment to the fullest! Your Moms are proud of you. Feel her presence. She’s there!

I also want to honor my Mother-n-law who has been a surrogate since my Mom’s passing. Love you Babs!

I love you Ma.